Here’s this week’s Smartmom from the award winning Brooklyn Paper:
Last month, when Smartmom decided to get rid of the red, ultra-suede club chair in her living room, Teen Spirit was fit to be tied.
“How dare you throw away that cornerstone of my childhood,” he screamed.
Then the Oh So Feisty One chimed in. “Say it: ‘I will not throw away, give away, or sell the red chair. Say it!’”
Despite their protestations, Smartmom, with great difficulty, single-handedly moved the chair from the living room into the dining room to further await a decision on its fate.
At first, she put it on its side so that it wouldn’t take up too much space. Then OSFO put it right side up so that she could sit on it at dinnertime. You see, OSFO likes to eat in that chair — that’s one of the reasons it’s so dirty.
Smartmom should have put the kibosh on eating in the living room — on the red chair — but she never did.
But it wasn’t only the dark stains on the ultra suede that bothered Smartmom. The chair took up too much space in the family’s living room. It was like a black hole swallowing up all the room’s sunlight and blocking the windows.
It was just too big.
Still, Smartmom knows how attached her children are to that skuzzy old chair. For Buddha’s sake, that’s where Teen Spirit watched Pokemon videos and “Beauty and the Beast.” OSFO was breastfed in that chair, where she did spin art and ate snacks (hence the paint stains and the caked-on food).
When she got older, OSFO watched “The O.C.” and “Gossip Girl” in that chair. Teen Spirit played his guitars there; his friends used it as a bed when they slept over.
Smartmom knew that she was probably a cruel, insensitive mother to get rid of that chair. Think of the memories embedded in it. It’s like a Proustean Madeleine.
Memories, schmemories. The springs are coming out of the bottom; it smells. Years ago, she hired Macy’s Upholstery Service to clean it and even they couldn’t get the stains out.
Sure, it’s a fancy chair. It had been custom made for Manhattan Granny by a snazzy upholsterer in Soho. But as soon as she saw how much space it took up in her minimalist living room on the Upper West Side, she had it shipped to Park Slope.
That was 13 years ago. And it’s been in Smartmom’s apartment ever since.
“You’re always changing things,” Teen Spirit told Smartmom. “When you’re upset you move the furniture.” Smartmom was stricken. But she knew he was right. When she’s upset, she rearranges, tidies piles of paper, folds clothing.
After a few days, Smartmom decided to try to find a new home for the chair. That way, her children wouldn’t feel like she’d just tossed it away. A young married couple came over to look at it. They seemed to like it. The guy said it was probably too big, but the woman seemed to want to make it work. Smartmom measured the chair for them.
Later, the young woman called to say that the chair was too big. Smartmom was disappointed, but soldiered on. She asked Mrs. Kravitz, her downstairs neighbor, if she wanted it. Her living room is big and she’s been wanting to get rid of what she calls her yellow “grandmother chair.”
Smartmom reasoned that it would be nice to have the chair in the building not too far away. That way Teen Spirit and OSFO could visit it.
Mr. and Mrs. Kravitz came up one night to look at the chair. Smartmom plied them with a $20 Cabernet (which is a lot for her!). But that didn’t help. They didn’t want that big chair in their living room either.
Smartmom is still trying to find a home for the chair. If no one wants it, she’s going to call Housing Works and they’ll come and cart it away. In the meantime, it sits quietly in the corner of the dining room next to the entrance to the kitchen.
Secretly, Smartmom fantasizes about taking it downstairs on big garbage day. Teen Spirit is still p.o.’ed. The other night, he pointed angrily at the white plastic Eames chair that Smartmom put in its stead in the living room and said, “You don’t expect us to sit on that do you?”
So the chair waits. Smartmom waits.
Anybody want a nice, big red chair? It’s free.