Here is this week’s Smartmom from the rebranded and award-winning Brooklyn Paper:
The Oh So Feisty One thinks Alternadad is an idiot.
And she
told him so. It happened on Sunday night at the Tea Lounge on Union
Street in Park Slope, where Neal Pollack (a.k.a. “Alternadad”) was
promoting his new book.
Early in the reading, Pollack ranted
about “The Backyardigans,” a Nick Jr. show he thinks is unctuous and
stifling to the imagination. He much prefers that his 4-year-old son,
Elijah, watch a classic superhero cartoon like Justice League of
America. Then he looked out at the audience.
“Does that boy out there watch the Justice League of America?” he asked.
Everyone looked around wondering whom Pollack was talking about.
“That boy,” he pointed right at OSFO, who was wearing her brand-new Navy blue Brooklyn Industries hoodie — with the hood up.
“That’s
not a boy, that’s my daughter!” Smartmom corrected. On cue, OSFO
removed her hood, which revealed her beautiful, ultra-feminine face and
long billowing brown hair.
“I thought she was a boy because she was wearing a hood,” Alternadad said.
Them’s
fightin’ words in gender-neutral Park Slope, where a maelstrom
developed last year after a woman inadvertently assigned gender status
to a Navy blue hat that was left at a playground.
You could say
that the reading didn’t get off to such a good start. And Smartmom was
already miffed because Dumb Editor asked her at the last minute to
cover it for The Paper. Still, she went along with it, judging this
book reading by its cover (a funny picture of a rubber ducky with a
nose ring in his bright orange beak).
Before the reading, Smartmom sauntered right up to Pollack and introduced herself.
“Hi, I’m Smartmom,” she said.
“I’m Dumbdad,” Pollack answered. “There, you have your lead.”
Snarky.
Very snarky. This hipster guy is one super ironic dude. Still, she
tried to keep her mind open to Pollack, whose new tome is getting raves
(which always raises Smartmom’s eyebrow).
Next problem: finding a
seat. Not an easy task on Sunday night when the Tea Lounge is packed
with childless twenty- and thirtysomethings doing whatever it is they
do with their laptops.
Finally, a scuzzy yellow armchair freed up and OSFO grabbed it.
Pollack
read from the preface of his “tell-it-like-it-is” parenting book for
people who spent their pre-kid years, like him, obsessed with popular
culture, babes, bars and bongs.
Big surprise: the book was all about poop.
Like many a snarky guy, Pollack is obsessed with excrement — the most-dreaded reality of fatherhood for many a would-be dad.
Pollack told of the time his 2-year-old son took off his diaper and threw poop all over his bedroom.
There went Smartmom’s eyebrow again. Ho freakin’ hum, the mother of two thought to herself.
The
big surprise of the book is really no surprise for anyone who has had a
kid (presumably, Pollack’s audience). The “Alternadad” comes to realize
that he loves his kid even more than he used to love the Sex Pistols.
It’s a rocky, often painful, ride from rock-and-roll dreamer to
responsible and pragmatic parent. But he loves it in the end.
In
the book, Pollack discovered that such love trumps going out to the
midnight show at Union Hall or Southpaw. Sure, he still goes out. But,
frankly, why bother? Judging from the many “isn’t-my-kid-cute-and-cool”
anecdotes throughout the book, his kid really is the best show in town.
And
that’s the part that made Smartmom squirm. Pollack acts like he’s the
only parent in the world who thinks his kid says the darndest things.
Just spend a half hour eavesdropping at Sweet Melissa’s and you’ll get better material than his.
Perhaps
no one has had the guts to say it, so Smartmom will: Pollack is not the
first cool guy to procreate. Even Keith Richards is a dad, for Buddha’s
sake.
This
edgy writer guy with his not-so-edgy book deal from Pantheon and a
savvy publicist to boot may be funny, but so is Smartmom’s fave Annie
Lamott, author of “Operating Instructions.” And, frankly, so is
Smartmom herself. You can go to the Tea Lounge and hear her read (to
herself) any time you want.
Yet here comes “Alternadad,” this
braggadocious boho, veteran of artsy performance spaces and poetry
slams in the backroom of independent bookstores. Suddenly, he grows up
and becomes a Dad. And he likes it. In fact, he finds it amazing! It’s
even stupendous! It’s even better than the sex he no longer has. Now
Smartmom knows he’s nuts.
So you can see why Smartmom, who’s been
mommying for 16 years, was annoyed having to listen to this cool cat’s
initiation into parenthood.
Needless to say, Pollack’s got sequel
written all over him. Heck, he’s got a cottage industry with his kid:
Elijah Takes Theremin Lessons. Elijah Meets Patti Smith. Elijah Gets
Thrown Out of Waldorf School.
A TV deal is no doubt in the works. This kid thing is a cash cow!
Do
I really need to hear Neal Pollack kvell about his kid: “Elijah is
imaginative. He’s wonderfully creative. He asks interesting scientific
question, and makes up imaginative superheroes. He’s a smart kid and
great to have around. He is endlessly fun and endlessly hilarious…”
Blah.
Blah. Blah. Speaking of kids, OSFO really is one smart cookie, too. She
called it as she saw it: Alternadad really is an idiot.
