Garlic On Her Mind

My wife’s convinced

It’s good for the heart–

She’s welcome to it

Till breath do us part.

Shed

The years of unreflective eating
Were mirrored in my middle
And showed as well in how I shuffled
From gawky twaddle to twiddle

Till finally I found a diet
To banish longtime blight
And shorter portions were effective–
I lost eight inches in height.

Parlez-Vous Cell Phone?

A cellphone paradise
Unlikely to embarrass
Is found across the sea
  On any Metro in Paris

The subway tunnels are wired
  For use by mobile ware
Though if jawing’s not your thing
  You’re stuck in cell enfer.

Dog Wake

Step on a crack

Kettle of fish

Next thing you know

Squishy squish.

SUBWAY SUB-STANDARD

I used to take the F

Until I cried
"First Aid!"

And someone explained the F

Is not a line but a grade.

Note: The Oh So Prolific One/Verse Responder will be less prolific this week. He writes: "By
the way, I’ll be away the rest of the week tangling with matters
cultural in the Tanglewoods of Massachusetts.  I’ll miss OTBKB as I’m
laptopless along with clueless."

Long Odds

Like many a Sloper
Whether maven or crackpot
I dream at all times
Of the Lotto jackpot

Though for me the chances
Are bound to dismay
Since I never bother
To actually play.

Long Odds

Like many a Sloper
Whether maven or crackpot
I dream at all times
Of the Lotto jackpot

Though for me the chances
Are bound to dismay
Since I never bother
To actually play.

  Tens, Anyone?

They agree on just one thing,

Today’s tweens and teens:

Their bewildered parents

Are clueless hasbeens.

DIVORCE $399
[billboard on 5th Ave.opposite Key Food]

Shameful words!  Preying on

Marriages that fail.

Outrage meant to beat folks down!

(I think I’ll wait for the sale.)

KEEPING THE BLOOM IN THE BURG

Here was a Caesar! When comes such another?
–Marc Antony

The city’s grateful business tycoons
Demand another such–
A second Bloomberg who can be
Counted on in a clutch.

Our mayor’s always shown himself
Completely at his ease
In dealing with the real estate
Moguls’ many pleas.

But why another? Michael Bloomberg’s
The perfect corporate investor–
Let’s crown him New York’s Mayor for Life
(With Donald Trump court jester).

UNEXPECTED DIRECTIONS

Obama’s barging toward the center,

McCain is lurching to the right.

So tell me, please, political mentor,

Who’s the more presidential fright?

RAKE’S ACHES

Yesterday’s stud

Good in bed

Today’s dud

Good as dead.

DOUBLE TAKE

“On sale” gets my attention

Like nothing even resembling

But interest starts in flagging

On seeing “Needs assembling.”

HOPPING ON THE BANDWAGON

The stylish Piloti Prototipo Driving Shoes make driving less taxing. $85.
–Product review in AAA Car & Travel, July 2008

Do something for your feet,

Avoid toesy gruel

By buying these nifty shoes.

($5 surcharge for fuel.)

HALF-THOUGHT IN A HALF-EMPTY STARBUCKS

Expand too much

And you’re hardly the first

To see your balloon

Stretch and burst.

POOR RICHARD’S REVISION

Early to bed

And early to rise

Insures you’ll never

Be one of the guys.

NEVER KNOW

He found an apartment on craigslist
Along with a leather sofa
Together with a cool tuxedo
Being sold by a TV gofer.

But the biggest surprise of them all
(On the dating page that Craig carried)
Was finding Janel and her swimsuit snap–
He thought they were happily married.

MY S.U.V.

Needing a bankful

To buy a tankful,

I took a spin

And traded it in

(My 30K Hummer

A worthless bummer)

Bargaining hard

For a Metrocard.

What’s it provide?

A $2 ride!

OBAMA’S V.P. SHORT LIST

A man of hope

Needs a man of spinach

So bear in mind

Dennis Kucinich

ENDGAME WISDOM

When Der Busher ups and goes,

No more pearls, alas:

“Unemployment is the curse

Of the jobless class.”

        GLOBAL WARNING

Heard about the global warning–

New climatic names aborning.

Spring, which once supplied a reason

For love, is now tornado season,

And summer, hot with lovers’ teasin’,

Morphed into hurricane season.

Weather maven, any hint o’

Changes coming to fall and winter?

BABELAND BONUS

Vibrators have their toothy uses,
Something that’s not widely known–
Used to brush your pearly whites,
They stimulate the oral zone.

Twice a day you’re guaranteed,
Sure as strollerlock and taxes,
Teeth and tongue that sizzle up
In dazzling multiple
climaxes..

REBATE CHECKS

From the mail to the mall

Without hesitation?

To fuel and to food

In desperation.

VEEP X TWO

It sounds like wack,
It sounds insane–
Team up with Barack
As well as McCain?

In a year of firsts–
A woman, a black–
Old ways are all
Under attack.

But on a bi–
Partisan spree
Party leaders demand
This V.P.

What Obama needs
Is an older man,
An administrator
Who knows how to plan,

While Johnny Mac
Requires in truth
An independent
With much more youth.

So look for a double
Invitation
To wend its way,
A solicitation

To come and be
The No. 2
For the Democrats
And GOP crew–

A bi-polar
Seemingly daft
Communication
Announcing a draft

To run for Vice President.
Though it hasn’t been cricket
To have the same candidate
On each’s ticket,

The Constitution
Expounds not a word
On this novel  subject,
Not "nay," not "absurd,"

So what’s inevitable
Is a Michael Bloom-
Berg one-on-two
V.P. boom.

And best of all
He’ll have lots to give,
With not a chance
He’ll go negative.

A RAY IN THE RAIN

Sodden morning near Brooklyn’s
Glistening Borough Hall,
People rush to subway
Through a grayish squall.

Dripping, smiling man
Hawks his suitable wares,
Passengers reach for
MTA-card fares.

At his stand the vendor
Sings to passing fellas
Sweetest baritone note,
Sunshine-splashing "Umbrellas!"

Photo by the Tamed Shrew

A HYMN TO THE G

It’s the runt of the litter gets most of the love
And the one that a parent’s the proudest of
For the strongest and brightest and best-looking too
Will get by on their own whatsoever they do.
This is true of all species in the animal chain
And applies as well to the underground train.
Consider the G line, the tiniest of all,
Only four cars in
length, which is not very tall,
While its brothers and sisters stretch to eight or ten.
So they tower above it like a jungle hen.
And being so small, the G can’t go  far
Never reaching Manhattan, the glamorous star.
Watch it rattle between Forest Hills and Smith-Ninth,
Huffing most of the way on its limited strignth.
Anybody who knows how to read any map’ll
Realize that poor  G never sees the Big Apple.
Woodhaven is fine and so is old Greenpoint
But to limit the G is to make one big mean point.
And its undersized wheels, just like those of a tot
Mean that straphangers wait around quite a lot
For its speed is reduced almost all of the way,
An occurrence not found on the 1 or the A.
But it tries–how it tries–with all of its means
To move people from Brooklyn who’re going to Queens.
You can count on this train, it is wholly predictable–
To be late, to break down and to seem oh-convictable.
Yet the heart has its reasons for loving some things
Whether people or places or teething rings.
If one underdog merits our charity,
It’s the subway that couldn’t–the little G.

THE PARKERS ARE COMING!

A summer of unrestricted parking

Has led to panic unalloyed

As fear of invading outside drivers

Is turning Slopers parkanoid.

PUSH ‘N’ PRAY

Moms roll tots on pricey wheels
Down the religious streets,
A rite that’s been instilled in them
As one of status’s treats.

Every day is worship time
Both for joys and dolors
In the Park Slope Parish’s
Church of the Holy Strollers.

CYBERDANTE

Nine circles down and underground.

THREE JEERS FOR THE CUBICLE
    ON ITS 40TH ANNIVERSARY

Who put up the first cubicle?

Let’s agree it wasn’t Rubikle.

But we do know the fuzzy date,

Sometime in nineteen sixty-eight.

That’s when half a fence arose

Separating some from those

Ready and willing to distract

Workers from their working act,

Cutting production, sinking quotas,

Bringing joy to rival gloatas.

That at least is what the bosses

Told themselves would limit losses

Unaware their production troubles

Stem not from conversational bubbles

But rather from the office medium

Bringing on unending tedium.

What then has the demi wall

Accomplished? Really nothing at all.

Fences that are six feet high

Are as redundant as "pizza pie."

Better to cover mouths with gags,

Bosses, and cover heads with bags.

That’s the direction you need to go–

Build another Guantanimo.

OSMOSIS HE SUPPOSES

Sunday on Seventh Avenue,

Something that he thinks is new:

Girl about three, and this is true,

Pushing stroller built for two,

Mini-stroller for a twinish crew,

One seat pink, the other blue.

Sight to charm or sight to rue?

This he’s left squarely to you.

Slopey thing, that’s all he knew.

SURE-SHED

Need a potent diet?

Here’s the one to try:

Skip three meals on days

Ending in a Y.

    NO POPE IN PARK SLOPE

The Popemobile is due to cruise
The streets of Manhattan and the Bronx;
No-show in Brooklyn, that’s the news;
So what are we, a flock of skonx?

Some folks’ll be sad not to be sharing
As holidayers and serenaders
The evening meals they’ve been preparing
For the Pope’s
Passover seders

  HUNTIN’ FOR VOTES

Who knew that Pennsylvania
Was Wild West shootin’ territory?
Debatin’ there, both Hiill and Obe
Strapped on guns and looked real ornery..

They waited long enough, till last night’s
Debate (and buddy, this ain’t slanderin’)
Before goin’ after them down-home hunters
With mighty good old-fashioned panderin’.

  LETTER IMPERFECT
 
Non-delivery of my mail   
Had me frazzled, grumbling, nervous
To the point I had no choice
But to gripe to the Postal Service.
 
Rep from its Consumer Affairs,
Boasting of the group’s advances,
Sent assurance of
assistance–
By E-mail!  Rep is taking no chances.