Linguist Deborah Tannen, author of "You Just Don’t Understand," has a new book out that looks at conversation between mothers and daughter called, "You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation."
Q. Many of the women you’ve interviewed for your
new book complain of mothers who criticize their appearance. Are they
right to be annoyed?
A. "Right" and "wrong"
aren’t words a linguist uses. My job is to analyze conversations and
discover why communications fail. The biggest complaint I hear from
daughters is: "My mother’s always criticizing me." And the mother
counters, "I can’t open my mouth; my daughter takes everything as
criticism."
But sometimes caring and criticism are found in the
same words. When mothers talk about their daughters’ appearance, they
are often doing it because they feel obligated to tell their daughter
something that no one else will.
The mother feels she’s caring. The daughter feels criticized. They are both right.
What
I try to do is point out each side to each other. So, the mother needs
to acknowledge the criticism part, and the daughter needs to
acknowledge the caring part. It’s tough because each sees only one.
Q. Is there a unifying theme to your 20 academic and popular books?
A.
There’s certainly a thread. My writing is about connecting ways of
talking to human relationships. My purpose is to show that linguistics
has something to offer in understanding and improving relationships.
There
are many situations where problems arise between people because
conversational styles vary with ethnic, regional, age, class and gender
differences.
What can seem offensive to one group isn’t to
another. I’ve long believed that if you understand how conversational
styles work, you can make adjustments in conversations to get what you
want in your relationships.
Q. Can you give an example of communication problems based on what you’ve seen of mother-daughter conversations?
A.
During an interview, a journalist told me she had called her grown
daughter the night before and began, "I miss you." Her daughter
replied: "Why do you miss me? I just talked to you last week!" The
daughter felt criticized for not calling more often.
After our
interview, the mother tried something she had never done before. She
sent her daughter an e-mail in which she praised and reassured her.
The
next day her daughter phoned to continue the conversation. So you see,
by understanding how language works within relationships, you can
change patterns you’re not happy with.
Q. Why are mother-daughter conversations laden with so many pitfalls?
A. It’s what one mother I interviewed said: "My conversations with my daughter are the best and the worst."
In
the mother-daughter relationship, there’s a lot of talk. For women,
conversation is the glue that holds relationships together. Mothers and
daughters talk to each other far more than mothers and sons, or fathers
and daughters. And their talk is different…