Here’s Smartmom from this week’s Brooklyn Papers. Lots of Atlantic Yards news and views to read there.
Smartmom thinks that the Oh So Feisty One, at age 9, is old enough to walk to the corner and cross the street.
In the eyes of some Park Slope moms, Smartmom is doing the right thing in developing her daughter’s sense of independence.
In other Park Slope eyes, Smartmom is guilty of child abuse
It all started when OSFO’s best friend, Crystal, was allowed to walk
to OSFO’s house unaccompanied. That meant crossing one-way Second
Street. Alone. She had to call home as soon as she arrived, of course,
but she made it.After witnessing such success, OSFO began clamoring to go to Crystal’s house all by herself.
Smartmom wasn’t sure her girl was quite ready, so, for starters, she
let OSFO and Crystal walk around the corner to the candy store and Park
Slope Books.Ah la liberte: what a blast to buy Skittles at the candy store and
browse picture books at the bookstore. Alone. And it involved no
street-crossing.Next, Smartmom decided that OSFO was ready to cross Second Street
with Crystal. They are both capable and cautious kids who know to wait
for the green light and look both ways.They also know to be wary of strangers and even familiar-looking people whom she doesn’t really know.
The other day, Crystal and OSFO were joined by their schoolmate,
Kate. Crystal wanted to pick up her Build-a-Bear at home, so Smartmom
said the three girls could go to Crystal’s house if they were very,
very careful crossing little Second Street.Well, when Superprotective Mom got wind of it, she hit the roof. She
told Kate, in no uncertain terms, that she was NEVER to cross the
street. Ever. Later, Smartmom spoke to Superprotective Mom and told her
that she was sorry for her “Mommy boo-boo.” She should have called and
asked whether Kate was allowed to cross the street.“It wasn’t about crossing the street,” Superprotective Mom said. “I
don’t want Kate on the street at all. There are too many bad people
around. I don’t think she’s ready to deal with something if it happens.”Smartmom felt duly reprimanded, but she knew that she wasn’t going to put the kibosh on OSFO’s burgeoning independence.
Oh how things have changed! Growing up on the Upper West Side of
Manhattan, Smartmom was crossing many blocks — including two-way
streets! — to get to her second-grade class. Two years later, she was
taking city buses and subways — by herself.
Some would say it was a different city then. And it was. In the
1970s, crime was rampant, garbage was everywhere, and filthy streets
(no Pooper Scooper Law, remember?) were filled with crazy people
released from mental hospitals.
Sure, it was scary. But for Smartmom’s smart mom, it was all part of
teaching her daughter about life in the city (including how to deal
with her bus pass getting stolen on a regular basis).
So, where were Smartmom’s — and other kids’ — parents? Maybe they
were too distracted by the Sexual Revolution to accompany their kids
around town. More likely, they just let their kids go it alone — like
their parents did, and their parents’ parents did.
The city has come a long way since “Ford to City: Drop Dead!” yet city
parents are more protective than ever. Back when it was truly
treacherous, those 1970s parents were laisse-faire about sending their
kids into the urban jungle.
But now? Forget it. Most Slope kids under age 12 are not allowed
out alone at all. Parents are always in the picture when the kids are
riding their bikes, making chalk drawings, playing hopscotch or
squirting water pistols at each other (water pistols could lead to gang
violence, after all!).
There’s no denying that the Slope has its dangers. Fifteen-year-old
Teen Spirit was mugged a couple of months ago on Eighth Avenue and
Third Street. A group of kids surrounded him and asked for his iPod. He
calmly gave it to them and they let him go.
He did the right thing, but it could have been a lot worse. What if the kids wanted to beat him up?
When Smartmom and Hepcat grilled Teen Spirit about the incident,
they asked what the boys looked like, careful not to blurt out anything
vaguely racist (or racial).
The thought of the mugging gives Smartmom chills. But she’s glad
that his first mugging was relatively easy. He’s crossed that essential
milestone and maybe it will make him more alert on the street in the
long run.
Luckily, that incident didn’t crimp Teen Spirit’s independent style.
He takes the subway to school every day, to concerts in Manhattan, to
Times Square to see movies.
Times Square?! The way Smartmom sees it, why grow up in New York
City if you can’t be a real city kid? Move to the suburbs if you want
safe.
You can’t teach your children to live their lives in fear. And you
can’t hover over them forever. They need to learn the law of the
streets: be alert, check to see if anyone is following you, duck into a
store or apartment building if you feel nervous, find an adult or a cop
if something happens.
Learning to survive in the city is not an art, it’s a craft. And you’ve got to start somewhere.
Crossing the street to Crystal’s house is probably as good a place as any.
I think we simultaneously underestimate our children and overindulge our imaginations by thinking 1)an 8 or 9 year old can’t negotiate a cross walk and 2)that all strangers on the street are perverts and kidnappers. We recently allowed our 8 year old son to cross the street (5th avenue) to go buy some milk, while we watched from our stoop. Admittedly we were a little nervous and he had been well instructed, but the obvious surge of independence this small act inspired in him was well worth any anxiety on our parts, and it was also gratifying to hear from him that a woman (a stranger!) asked him if his parents knew he was crossing the street alone.
How have we all become so overprotective? When I was a kid in the seventies, I was walking to school by myself (far more than 2 blocks and a street crossing) at age six. I was a school crossing guard by age eleven. My parents had taught me to be careful and not to talk to strangers, etc. (perhaps they made me too paranoid: I refused to get into family friends’ cars and was sent home from the first grade because I refused to give my address to the principal). Considering the neighbourhood and times I lived in, in can’t be much worse now, especially not in the Slope.
Nowadays, everyone has to wear helmets for everything, playgrounds are padded and lawsuits are rampant. I don’t have kids, and I’m sure if I did I’d hate to see them get hurt, but what happened to a little Bactine and common sense?
“some say it was a different city then”…well yes and no. If you listen to this mantra long enough, it will forever get worse.
Statistics show (unfortunately not to enough people) that the chances of your kid being, say, abducted are smaller than being hit by lightning. No matter: Superprotective mom, as others, will always feel the way she does. As the unfortunate son of such parents myself, I feel bad for her daughter. When will her daughter be “ready to deal” with what happens? At 18? Never? Or is she likely to rebel?
As for my 8-year old son, I began the crossing-street-by-yourself bit with him, (albeit with me watching) months ago. We park our bikes at Pinos and he walks to the sushi store a block and a street-cross away. I meet him there after I pick up my lunch. I’m sure before he’s 9 he can go get us a last-minute ingredient at the store a block or two away.
You put it well in your penultimate paragraph, and what better place than this to begin? We should be glad we live in a walkable, cycle-able, safe neighborhood. Celebrate it; don’t shrink from it.