Here’s this week’s Smartmom from the Brooklyn Papers:

Move over, Smartmom. There’s a new mom on Seventh Avenue and she’s
taking over your turf. And guess what? It’s Diaper Diva, your very own
twin sister.

That’s right. Diaper Diva — and her incredibly well-dressed
2-year-old, Ducky — are finding their way in Mommyland, even taking
over Smartmom’s bench at ConnMuffCo, and making mommyfriends at Music
Together, Tots on the Go, and swim class at Eastern Athletic.

As a result, Smartmom is beginning to feel left out and a little old
(even if she is actually two minutes younger than her twin sister).

Just the other day, Diaper Diva introduced Smartmom to one of her
new friends. “This is my sister,” she told her friend. “She has a
9-year-old and a 15-year-old.”

“A 15-year-old!” exclaimed Bubbly Mom, Diaper Diva’s new mommyfriend. Like, how could anyone have a child THAT old?

Smartmom wanted to be offended, but she quickly noticed that every
time she opened her mouth, she said something that reminded her of the
know-it-all jaded parents she used to hate.

To another of Diaper Diva’s new mommyfriends, whose 2-year-old just got a chic new haircut, Smartmom blabbed:

“You’re lucky your kid still listens to you about his hair. My son
only lets his friends cut his hair and it’s always in his face.”

Open mouth, insert Elephanten shoe. No mother of a 2-year-old wants
to hear about the trials and tribulations of life with a teen. That’s
too much information, thank you.

Diaper Diva smoothly steered that conversation back to toddlers. A
discussion ensured about the comparative merits of Lolli’s versus
Orange Blossom — two Park Slope stores that Smartmom never had when SHE
was a young mommy!

Later, strolling down Seventh Avenue, Diaper Diva ran into three
(count ’em, three) new friends on one block. In the same amount of
time, Smartmom ran into no one. Nada. Not even one vaguely familiar
face from the PS 321 PTA. In her heyday, her record was 10 friends per
block from Third Street to Union.

In front of Joe’s Pizza (which will forever be known as Big Pizza
Cafe to true Slopers), Smartmom waited impatiently, while Diaper Diva
chatted with yet another new friend. This one had just gotten word that
her kid had been accepted into the Beth Elohim Early Childhood Center.

“What days?” Diaper Diva asked excitedly.

“Mondays and Tuesdays.”

“We’re in the same class!”

Smartmom wanted to say: Your kids are in the same class, not you.
But she tried to be civil. She couldn’t think of anything to add to
their sidewalk squeal: it’s been five years since the Oh So Feisty One
was in pre-school. Smartmom was fairly certain they didn’t want to hear
about the fourth grade city-wide tests.

Clearly, Diaper Diva is excited about everything having to do with
Ducky — and the first experience in pre-school is one very big deal for
both of them. Not since college do you make as many friends as quickly
as when your kid starts pre-school. In the months to come, Diaper Diva
will probably know more people in Park Slope than she ever imagined.

Maybe even more than Smartmom.

Lately, Smartmom is feeling threatened. She wonders if Diaper Diva
will have time for her and her brood as her focus shifts to her own
nuclear unit. After years of being the world’s most loving aunt and
supportive sister, Diaper Diva is a mommy now.

Despite being identical twins, Smartmom and her sister have led
different lives. Smartmom got married when she was 30, while Diaper
Diva played the single scene for another 12 years.

Teen Spirit was born when Smartmom was 33, and Diaper Diva devoted
herself full throttle to her career in the film business. She married
when she was 42 and endured years of infertility. Ducky, who was
adopted in Russia, arrived on U.S. soil on Diaper Diva’s 47th birthday
(Smartmom’s birthday, too, because, remember, they’re twins).

So now it’s Diaper Diva turn: her adventures in Mommyland are just
beginning just as Smartmom is on the verge of sending Teen Spirit to
college (hopefully).

A few years later, OSFO will go. Then what? The empty nest? Retirement? Golf?

Not likely — and let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

While Smartmom is fretting about teenage sex, marijuana use and PSAT
scores, Diaper Diva is trying to figure out how to assemble that
ridiculously complicated Playmobil farm set that Ducky got on her
second birthday.

But she figured it out (with OSFO’s help). Alas, Diaper Diva doesn’t
really need Smartmom’s help anymore. Truth is, she’s way more efficient
than Smartmom ever was and always remembers to bring a Tupperware
container of Goldfish crackers to the playground AND a first aid kit.

She also knows all the songs on Dan Zanes’s “Rocket Ship Beach” by
heart; she stares lovingly at Ducky like she’s the Second Coming; she
thinks nothing of leaving her stroller blocking the baby wipes aisle at
Met Food.

And now, she has no time to be Smartmom’s shoulder to cry on. Worse,
the twin sisters can barely have a five-minute kvetchfest at ConnMuffCo
without Diaper Diva running into a half-dozen mommy friends (and
interrupting Smartmom’s monologue). Sigh.

But Smartmom should not despair as Diaper Diva makes her way as a parent and mommyfriend to half of Park Slope.

Eventually, when the chips are down, Diaper Diva will still rely on
her almost-over-the-hill, slightly jaded sis every now and then. She
will, right?