Writer Alison Lowenstein can relate. Her young daughter and son share a room and she’s got an article in Babble about it. An English professor at York College in Queens, New York, she’s the author of City Baby Brooklyn and is also working on a novel, which she read an excerpt from at last year’s Edgy Mother’s Day event presented by Brooklyn Reading Works. It was hilarious.
My kids aren’t only siblings, they’re roommates.
Our apartment is 1,153 square feet of living space. In my part of Brooklyn this is considered family-sized, but in suburban America it’s referred to as a shack. We have two bedrooms, and two children, a four-year-old girl and an eighteen-month-old boy who share a room. It’s very obvious which part of the room is Lucy’s and which is Max’s. There seems to be an unspoken divider in the center of the room. Lucy’s side has a dresser covered with Polly Pockets, a large collection of dolls and a floral comforter on a white princess bed. Max’s area is cluttered with Thomas Trains, random Fisher Price toys, a crib with blue sheets, and a large mural of a dinosaur.
What bothers me is that people always ask, “How long can you stay there with two kids of the opposite sex sharing the same room?”
our 14 month daughter shares our room and sleeps dreadfully. not slept one night through and inevitably I bring her into bed with me to nurse as I simply cannot bear the hours of screaming. we are in no position to let her cry it out or anything else so cruel -in my opinion. my 8 year old son has a large room to himself. I want them to share, my partner feels it would be unfair for my 8 year olds sleep quality.
I shared a room and later had one to myself. I used to spend each day and night in my sisters room sharing our toys and time together. I believe there are huge benefits to sharing – up to a certain age (perhaps puberty), where our need for personal privacy advances. As for the notion that we are wasting resources putting a single child in each room; if the resources are to hand, so be it. people come together and separate when they choose, whether children or adults.
I am going to shift the cot myself this afternoon and tell husband the way it is.
I shared my room with my sister until I was 10 and she was 13 (we got lucky and moved to a bigger apartment). I have news. Sexual curiosity/exploration is not confined to opposite sex siblings. My sister and my cousins (girls) played “doctor” and were curious about our bodies. The only danger with children & sexual exploration comes when they are not raised to be respectful of each other’s boundaries. If I told my sister I didn’t want to play doctor, she was fine with it. Children who are raised to respect each other can be trusted to be together. My sister and I both grew up happy and healthy and neither of us “turned into” lesbians. Although certainly that would not be an issue, either…
Wonder how “we” (emphasis this time on “me and people who think like me”) managed to raise billions of kids without benefit of psycho-analysis. Oh yes, they all turned out “abnormal.” But if the vast majority of kids are not normal, maybe one needs to redefine “normality?”
Common sense and intuition do have their place and work well in the majority of situations. I intend to place a great deal of faith in mine.
Hi Chandru – I was wondering when we were going to hear from you on this subject. I agree with you that many parents are keeping kids in their marital bed or having siblings past early childhood sleep in the same room because as you say: “We may be doing it because WE think it is a more natural, better, holistic way to raise children.” (Your emphasis on “we.”) Exactly my point. Many parents, rather than really examining their own inner motivations and their childrens’ actual needs, are doing what they “think” is desirable from their perspective.
Regarding children in therapy (and adults in therapy for that matter), I realized a long time ago that in our society as it currently exists, the only people even approaching “normal” are the ones in therapy (“real” therapy – which is another conversation), trying to free themselves from the accumulated mental and emotional conflicts, distortions and toxins wrought by their environment.
“When we do things like letting kids stay in the marital bed or leaving siblings together in the same room for too long, it’s rarely for reasons of poverty.”
Exactly. We may be doing it because *we* think it is a more natural, better, holistic (though I detest the connotations of that word) way to raise children. The fact that it *happens* to coincide with the norm in developing countries is notable only in that the parents in such countries, not having our ability to over-indulge, may be instinctively using practices which we should.
And as for your attempt to prove that Dahl was crying out for space, note that also said that it did not affect her. You say your experience with kids as a therapist is different. Have you considered that your universe of in-therapy kids is not the norm, by definition?
Anon – Fair enough and point well-taken. I agree that many people do attempt to equate ownership of physical space with something that is primarily ego-oriented, especially in our culture. How one can turn awareness into a third bedroom is a longer discussion for another day! Thanks for the discourse.
How does one listen, learn and respond their way to a third bedroom? Peter, I think for the most part we agree. The thing that bothers me is that somewhere in your otherwise excellent analysis, you equate actual physical space with all of the other things. I fundamentally disagree, and years as an urban planner and environmental advocate have shown me that people, all people, could handle less space than we as Americans constantly feel is “necessary” for some larger emotional reason.
we have a 3 year old son and a (nearly) 7 year old daughter sharing a large bedroom. They’ve been there together for over a year and love being in the same room together. There are no major space issues. I expect eventually they will want more privacy but for now it is not an issue. I think it will be clear when a change needs to be made.
Well, “anon,” I actually wasn’t trying to convince you of anything. I’m sharing what I know about children from years of listening to them, observing them without my own agenda, and raising a few of them. Children don’t have to “learn values” from adults. If we simply protected, nurtured, and gave REAL space (not “figurative” space – which means metaphorical and symbolic, not real) to our children, we would see that they are naturally communal and democratic. It’s when children’s needs are neglected and/or when their wants are overindulged that they become selfish, greedy or needy. And one doesn’t need to “buy a larger house” to figure out how to give children – after early childhood – their own living space. One just needs to listen, learn and respond.
Peter says: it is lazy and narcissistic to not buy a larger house so that your kids do not have to share a room (and maybe learn values like being part of a community and democracy through the experience). Just because we are not a developing country, we must put our infants in their own cribs and give everyone their own room. It’s the American way.
By the way, I shared a room with my sister. And then I went to college and had roomates. I was pretty darn happy and am now “fully” my own person. My parents made sure to give me fgurative space to grow, and that I do believe is essential. But each kid having their own room? Nope, you can’t convince me that is the “better” way of parenting.
Okay, listen to this by “anon”: 1. “We are not a lazy, narcissistic country.” 2. “We are a country of sprawl and waste.”
?????
Okay, listen to this by Dahl: “I shared a bedroom with my younger brother until I was around 8 and decided I wanted my own space.”
?????
We are not a lazy, narcissistic country. We are a country of sprawl and waste. There is nothing wrong with kids sharing a room. There is something wrong with buying huge houses and wasting all that extra energy just because you can afford it.
I shared a bedroom with my younger brother (3 years younger) until I was around 8 and decided I wanted my own space (my brother still wanted to share). And we just had a trundle bed. I don’t think it impacted my development of individuality. And while my family was lucky enough to have a third bedroom (even though I got kicked out whenever grandparents came, which was sometimes a few months at a time), not everyone has that luxury.
As both a therapist and parent, I would like to weigh in on Alison Lowenstein’s dilemma. It’s not just gender difference that will ultimately call for the kids to have their own rooms; it’s the need for individuation. And please, anyone who is inclined to write in about how they do it in developing countries, don’t bother. We are not a developing country; we are a lazy, narcissistic country when it comes to child-rearing. When we do things like letting kids stay in the marital bed or leaving siblings together in the same room for too long, it’s rarely for reasons of poverty.
This is their one childhood, parents. Give them the space – literally – to become themselves fully.