My first sighting of the new Brooklyn Ikea and I think: Omigod! A giant blue and yellow space station has landed on the banks of Red Hook.

How do you spell disconnect?

A trio of IKEA flags fly proudly outside; perhaps this is a friendly ship. On opening day, I am told, an American flag, a Swedish flag and a NYC flag will fly next to those.

Once inside, we sit on black and white striped armchairs and get ready for lift off. As we fly off to the Swedish cafeteria, the scale of the neighborhood disappears and giant windows frame a gorgeous view of the harbour and the Manhattan skyline (reminders of the land we are leaving behind).

For the duration of our stay, we exist in a bizarre/familiar corporate brand-station replete with Swedish design, names, food, even Swedish books.

Media representatives are treated to a delicious lunch of more than five kinds of herring, meatballs, smoked salmon and various salads and desserts.

We drink the Kool Aid.

Then the speechifying begins with talk of this being the 35th US IKEA mother-ship. And it’s a big one: 365,000 square feet with 500 employees—though they won’t specify how many of them are from Red Hook. There’s a 70,000 SF green roof, a lovely esplanade by the water, and transportation alternatives that include a water taxi, shuttle buses from F train stations at Fourth Avenue and 9th Street and Smith and 9th Street, as well as Court Street.

As expected the Brooklyn IKEA is ultra child-friendly with play areas, strollers, baby changing stations, bibs and bottle warmers in the cafeteria.

Much “hoopla” is planned for the opening, including activities that begin on June 18th at 6am and conclude with a ceremonial sawing of a log, a Swedish custom.

They’re giving away 35 Poang couches on June 18th. I literally cringe at the idea that they expect people to line up starting Monday June 16th for the June 18th opening. Two days in the parking lot?

Why don’t they just give a couch to every resident of Red Hook?

Apparently, they’ve donated $100,000 to Red Hook’s Conover House but talk of more funds going to Unicef, Save the Children and the American Forest Fund makes me wonder why they aren’t doing more for the immediate neighborhood.

Small groups tour the showrooms with employees in yellow shirts and black pants. The friendly woman who takes us around lives in the Bronx. She says that the benefits at IKEA are incredible. “There’s a very healthy work/family balance. It’s the kind of place where they force you to take a day off,” she tells me.

Part-time employees who work 20 hours or more are eligible for full benefits. There are still some part-time positions available I hear her say.

Bereft of customers, the shiny, new store is a modern furniture wonderland. Indeed, the gigantic view-filled windows are probably the store’s most notable feature—and poignant reminders of the home planet.

Room after room of couches, chairs, tables, book shelves, kitchen cabinets, showrooms and more, you feel very far away from the streets of Red Hook. I check to see if the prop books used on the bookshelves are by Brooklyn authors or at least Swedish translations of them.

But no Whitman, Lethem, Auster or even Betty Smith. It’s Swedish literature and the occasional translation of Dickens or Jack London.

Fatigue sets in after two hours in the store taking in the blending blur of cheap dressers, bookcases and beds you’ve seen on many a curb on big garbage night (after much use and abuse). I entertain fantasies of an IKEA kitchen, a closet organization unit, a coffee press, a Noguchi style lantern, cozy armchairs and couches…

I’ve. Got. To. Have. It.

Once the brand-ship lands, we are given our much anticipated Ikea swag: a yellow box of 12 Ikea PS Varmeljushallare Design votive candles and candles holders by Ehlen Johansson, a platter of cinnamon buns, and a small sized blue plastic Ikea shopping bag. Slowly, we re-enter the familiar and historic streets of Red Hook— across from the ballfield that has become the neighborhood’s cherished organic farm, Added Value.

We stagger over to Rocky Sullivans on Van Dyke Street and wait for the elusive B77 bus that will take us back to Park Slope. The IKEA flags are just barely visible as we wait.

Turning on Ninth Street, I wonder, was that a dream or did we really take a voyage on the blue and yellow brand-ship, IKEA?

Why, of course we did. I’ve got the candles and the cinnamon buns to prove it.

Photo from Seth W’s photostream