If you’re like me, trying to decide who to vote for in the democratic primary on Tuesday has been a real roller coaster.

For months, the democratic field has been a fascinating one. Hillary Clinton, a hero to feminists like me; Obama, a shining star since I saw his speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2004; Edwards, a passionate advocate for the working poor. 

My thoughts and feelings have vacillated continuously. And they continue to do so.

This is not a lesser-of-two-evils kind of primary. The only thing I can compare it to in my lifetime is the choice between Eugene McCarthy and Robert Kennedy in 1968. I was only ten years old, but I remember feeling very strongly about both of them. My fifth grade class couldn’t decide whether we wanted to give our class bake sale money to McCarthy or Bobby so we had two bake sales.

After Bobby was murdered in June of 1968, that wasn’t an issue anymore. What a tragedy.

For many of us, the idea of a female president is an awe-inspiring thing. As the mother of a ten year old girl, I would be able to point to the White House and say, "A woman can do anything."

What an exciting thought.

There is much to admire about Clinton and her story: The wise young woman in the big round glasses at Wellesley College, a feminist leader, a great intellect; her achievement at Yale Law School; her years as a lawyer, as a political wife/partner to Bill Clinton; her efforts on behalf of healthcare and children in the White House, her time in the senate.

There is also a tragic part of Clinton and the fact that she has had to put up with so much on a personal level as the wife of a powerful (and libidinous) man. She has had to hide parts of her self so as not to alienate those in the electorate that distrust the idea of a powerful woman.

She has had to act strong when she probably felt anything but.

Indeed, it isn’t easy being a strong, smart, assertive woman in a culture that is deeply ambivalent about such a thing. She’s had to continuously redefine who she is to be acceptable to the electorate. If she’s tough and opinionated, she’s a bitch. If she’s smart and driven, she’s too ambitious.

It’s a no-win situation and that has taken its toll.

Yes, Hillary is a fascinating personality with personal tragedy and triumph that is better than fiction. But does that make me want to vote for her?

I’m not so sure.

Again and again, I go back to my reaction to Obama at the convention in 2004. As soon as he was done, I told family members who were in the room:  "There’s the first black president of the United States."

In the days after, I was buzzing from his message" "the audacity of hope.  It has been exciting to see how he has evolved and matured as a candidate in the last few months. His speeches are like poetry, as is his awe inspiring ability to inspire and lead.

Living in New York City, I see how intractable a problem race is in this country. A black man in the White House would be an amazing and inspiring message to those in urban America who feel trapped in their lives.

As a New Yorker,  I also remember the days and weeks after September 11 when the world seemed to have nothing but empathy for New York City and the United States. It was a magical moment of unity and compassion.

That the Bush administration took that moment and turned the world against us with his engagement in Iraq is the beginning of the tragic story of the last seven years. The worst part of it is the almost universal disdain for Americans and our policies around the world.

So it is as a New Yorker with deep memories of 9/11 that I turn away from my admiration for Hillary and embrace the power of Barack Obama’s message of a politics of true change and transformation.

We are at a moment in our history when we have to show the world something different and I think having Obama at the helm will send a powerful message that Americans want change, even transformation.

Again and again, people say that Obama has the ability to inspire and to see an issue from many sides. As reported in the New Yorker, Obama told one crowd in New Hampshire, "If you know who you are, who you’re fighting for, what your values are, you can afford to reach out to people across the aisle."

In these dark times, we could use a politician who has the ability to reach out across the aisle; to inspire; to lead with grace and inner strength.

Clinton often says that she is the candidate ready to lead on day one. And that may be true. But on day one, the message of a man like Barack Obama at the head of our troubled country is almost too powerful to ignore.

And hopeful. He’s got my vote on Tuesday.