Here’s something from out pal, Pete, who now has a blog of his own called Full Permission Living. There’s even a picture of him there. Nice to put a face to all the words and ideas.
This week in the New York Times there was a piece on parents who have their children (not infants) sleep in their bed, and how many of said parents keep it a secret for fear of being criticized.
I can tell you of countless situations where a child was suffering from developmental problems and delayed maturity, even up to as old as seven-to-ten years of age, because parents were allowing the child into their adult bed. In these situations, when the parents followed my recommendation to get the child out of the parental bed, the child experienced a maturational growth spurt almost immediately. Why? Because what children want and what children need are not always the same thing. In early childhood, the pull to regress back to an earlier stage of development is strong.
Growing up is hard. But in every species of higher mammal, the mother knows that her offsrping have to be pushed out of the nest and off of the maternal teat, so the young being can attain healthy, life-sustaining independence. Fortunately, for those animals such good parenting is instinctual. Unfortunately, for human children, parents can overrule their instincts. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – parents who let their children into their bed past infancy are emotionally lazy, and are not operating from a place of mature parental love, but rather are being driven by their own unworked on fears of deprivation. Get those kids out of your bed. Please!
Peter Loffredo, LCSW
Yes, Lisa, my point exactly. In many “developing countries,” which often means poor, children and parents share sleeping arrangements out of economic necessity. What, however does it mean when it done NOT out of economic necessity in our society? Motivation is everything. Two actions may look the same externally, but the intention behind the actions is what determines their effects. I assure you, this is not an axe I have to grind for any philosophical or dogmatic reasons. It is what I have learned from working with children and parents in OUR culture.
Whoa. Parents are being “emotionally lazy” and immature? This seems pretty harsh. As I understand it, there are many cultures around the world where co-sleeping is the norm (often because there’s no extra bedrooms), as mentioned in the same article. Are children in those cultures suffering from developmental problems and delayed maturity?