Want; it can be used as a verb (used with or without object) or a noun. One definition being; “to be deficient by the absence of some part or thing, or to feel or have a need”.
Today I had a
realization that changes the way I look at my life. I got up this
morning and found my mate in the living room writing in his journal, I
sat down and we immediately got into deep conversation about life, our
lives. One of the things he touched on was the feeling that his
grandfather and father were considered icons or “great” men and that
all his life he wanted to be great. My response,
was that he was already that great person, even back then as a boy, and
that he just didn’t see it, which I know to be true, but almost sounds
pat in today’s world of self introspection and positive affirmations,
etc.
As we got deeper into
the conversation I shared that it reminded me of MY childhood only I
always wanted to have the perfect body, I always fantasized that if I
had the perfect body (and overall look) I would be beyond happy, my
life would be filled with wonders beyond my wildest imagination blah,
blah, blah… I guess this was my version of “being great”.
We went on to talk
about the times in our lives when we actually achieved “greatness” (at
least in our own mind) or came as close to it as possible, for example;
a time when he was playing piano so beautifully he made his instructor
cry at a recital, or a time I was in great shape and very happy with my
body and the overall way I looked.
Why then did we not
maintain these statuses? Why were these fleeting moments? Why did we
need to sabotage ourselves? Is it because once we were getting close to
great, and our lives were not exactly meeting our wildest fantasies, it
was too disappointing to face?
What about this state of WANTING, “the state of being without something desired or needed, of being without the necessaries of life.”?
Now
this, the state of wanting, this is where we grew up. It was something
we could handle, this feeling was so familiar, so comfortable, it
seemed to fit us perfectly. Wanting wasn’t a launching point to
get you to the next place in life but rather was a perpetual state of
being, a mood or way of life, if you will. This
is how we were recognized, how we learned to relate to others. It was
like belonging to this club, those of us who knew about wanting. I
started to think back to the 60’s when I was growing up, what was I
hearing about- wanting peace, wanting to change the world, wanting be
somebody, wanting to stop the war…it was cool to want. Now
wanting…that’s something I could sink my teeth into, wanting is where
it was at.
When
I think about the last conversation I had with an old friend of mine,
(about a week ago) what did we talk about? We talked about wanting to
lose weight, hmm… let’s see…how long have I been wanting that… Oh yeah
only about 40 years now – 40 YEARS!!!! What the hell! Let’s at least
consider changing the subject!!! There should be a statute of
limitations on it for Christ sake, come on already! How long should we
be allowing ourselves to want something??? (I’m starting to feel like
Lewis Black all of a sudden).
Here’s
the rub; it’s can’t possibly be about losing the weight or whatever
that thing is that you say you “want” it must somehow be the wanting
that is the goal here . Imagine having a contest for people who have
been wanting something the longest in life? You wouldn’t actually get the Gold Medal, your prize would be to get to keep wanting it!
What I’m saying is that wanting, the “state of wanting”, is what we end becoming attached to, as painful as it is.
Now
it’s not as if we all haven’t achieved many goals along the way, it’s
just that I can finally see clearly how this state of wanting is so
ingrained in me that I don’t even notice I’m in it. To see past wanting
and accept HAVING is really to accept a totally new way of
understanding and living life, this time joining the ranks of already
having, being, and doing. I think I’m ready for a change.
The writer "is a 47 year old woman who spent the last 22 years of my life working
(19 years in the fashion industry)and living in the city of New York (4
yrs Bronx, 9 yrs Manhattan and the rest in Brooklyn ). During those
years I have experienced being single, married, a parent (twice),
divorced (once), employed, unemployed, selling and buying real estate
(a total of 9 transactions), dealing with private schools and public
schools, issues around vaccines,and all kinds of incorrect diagnoses of
my children. I have willingly gone through more than my share of
individual/couples and group therapy. I have gone from being a democrat
to an independent to a new party I just made up called the NRRM an
acronym for the "Nobody Really Represents Me" party.
The name of my blog is taken from the words of A Beatle’s song off the
Abbey Road album called The End – "And in the end, The love you take,
Is equal to The Love You Make." I happen to believe it."