One of the things that breaks Tom Simon’s heart about the book business, and it’s endemic to most retail businesses, is shoplifting. For fun, Tom, who is the owner of Seventh Avenue books in Park Slope, decided to write A GUIDE FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO STEAL OUR BOOKS. It’s funny, it’s sad. But most of all, it’s exasperating.

A guide for those of you
who steal our books…

1a) You don’t so much take our books as you rob
us of our peace of mind. Think about how unfair
it is to take something so valuable from us, day
in, day out.

1b) You know you’re dishonest, and yeah, a thief,
so should you ever while among family or friends
find fault with Bush or Cheney or some other
scoundrel, the cosmos will likely quietly snicker
at your obliviousness.

2) If you have to take something, try to make it an
older, less expensive book. Our markdown area
is a good place to start. If you don’t know where
that, is just ask.

4a) If you take something really neat, try to leave a
note behind so we’ll know it’s gone and won’t
waste time if someone asks us for it.

4b) Take the Michener rather than the Proust. Not
that there’s anything wrong with Michener….

5) While taking books, please try not to enjoy the
music we play, or the cartoons. That would be
gluttony.

6) Recent studies at both Stanford and Yale have
confirmed that shoplifting leads to premature
incontinence, often as early as the mid-thirties,
and Depends are too bulky to conceal in a canvas
bag or under your shirt.

7) Best wishes to you and yours; reciprocation
gratefully accepted.