My 8-year-old daughter and I have long talks about what goes on in the playground of her school after lunch. Just about every day she has a story about one or more of the "mean girls" and some mean thing they did or said. Sometimes on our way to school in the morning she’ll point someone out and say: "There’s one of them. She’s a mean girl." And we’ll discreetly spy on her for a  moment, so that I’ll have a picture to go with the stories.

Recently, my daughter seems to be getting really fed up with one particular mean girl. Last night she stood on a chair and raised her hand very high and said: "I’ve had it up to here with her." She even wrote a note that she probably won’t give to her that says:

Dear ____, I do not like how you play. Mostly you are bose(sic) and mean too. I hate how you are to kids.

My daughter seems to want to stop being friends with the girl she wrote the letter to. But it’s hard. She seems simultanously drawn to and repelled by this girl. And as you can imagine, the girl is quite commanding both emotionally and physically.

After my last postcard about mean girls in the playground, I got this response from a friend: "Wait till 4th grade when it really, really kicks in. Oh my god. My daughter’s going through a hard time now, and if possible the girls have gotten meaner from when we went through it with my older daughter. I was actually thinking of asking the school to please have some kind of workshop addressing this issue, which is widely ignored by school authorities, though some teachers are better than others at dealing with it. I know a number of mothers whose first kids are boys and this all comes as a shock. Even thought I know what to expect, it isn’t any easier."

I’m one of those mothers of boys who had no idea what was going on in the playground all those years. The last few months have been a real education for me. I am grateful that my daughter has been so expressive about what’s going on. And conversations with other moms have helped too. It’s never too soon to address the issue at home and give our kids the time and support they need to really talk about it figure out what to do.

Thanks to Park Slope Parents, a Yahoo.com discussion group, a documentary film called "Let’s Be Real" has come to my attention. The film, which is appropriate for ages 10 and up, lets kids, both victims and bullies, speak out about the pain and confusion of bullying and taunting. It also explores a variety of issues that lead to it, including
racial differences, perceived sexual orientation, learning
disabilities, and sexual harassment. A discussion will
follow the screening on April 16th at the ImaginAsian Theater 239 East
59th Street in Manhattan between 2nd and 3rd Avenues. 10:00 am until noon. Reservations necessary. For more information and registration: urbina9@aol.com