Here’s our pal Pete’s reaction to a Huff Post piece about how long sex should last.
“A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes. The findings, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, strike at the notion that endurance is the key to a great sex life. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/02/survey-endurance-not-the_n_94789.html)
“If that sounds like good news to you,” the article continues, “don’t cheer too loudly. The time does not count foreplay, and the therapists did rate sexual intercourse that lasts from 1 to 2 minutes as ‘too short.”
“There are so many myths in our culture of what other people are doing sexually,” Marianne Brandon, a clinical psychologist and director of Wellminds Wellbodies in Annapolis, Md. said. “Most people’s sex lives are not as exciting as other people think they are.”
Okay, taking that last statement first – “Most people’s sex lives are not as exciting as other people think they are.” – I would have to add that most people’s sex lives are also not as good as THEY think they are.
Really. I’ve had many people tell me that they have very good sex lives. No kidding, many people have told me that. But then, when I ask for details, I hear that their so-called good sex life includes having sex maybe, ohhh, about once a month! Better yet, I’ve been told by women who say they enjoy sex that they have never – as in NEVER! – had an orgasm! Likewise, more men than I can count have told me that they masturbate EVERYDAY, whether they’ve had sex that day or not.
So, what’s going on?
Well, for one thing, as the article above hints at, most people have no idea conceptually what constitutes great, or even fair-to-good sex, because in our culture, we don’t talk about it in any regular way day-to-day, or in settings like families, schools, churches (Ha! Just kidding!), etc. Seriously, I even know therapists who never bring up the subject of sex with their patients! Whew!
You know, I write about this subject a lot. From my experience working with people, raising children and being a live human being, I can never write about it enough. Sexual respression and supression, as I have said many times, is the true root of all evil. What so many religious “scholars” don’t get about the Adam and Eve story is that the “apple” represented self-consciousness, and it was that self-consciousness that caused the previously blissful couple to realize that they were naked and feel ashamed. This was not a good thing! The nakedness was a good thing. The shame was not! How did we end up getting it so backwards?! (Well, that’s a different discussion.)
The point is, folks, studies like the one mentioned above are kind of useless. Three minutes, seven minutes… what’s that got to do with anything?
I’ve been told, sadly, by some men using Viagra, that they can stay hard all night, regardless of how they feel about the woman they’re with. What the fuck good is that?! Making love is supposed to be a sensuous feast, a swim in a warm, tropical ocean, a rollercoaster ride, a trip that takes you higher than any hallucinogenic drug could ever take you.
It can last for hours, or be a hot “quickie.” It’s not a time thing. Sex, as greatest “regression in service of the ego,” is supposed to be a timeless experience. And all of that while intertwined with the body and soul of someone you’re in love with, with someone who you willingly strip yourself naked in front of like Adam and Eve… before the apple.
Come on, people, let’s get ourselves back to the garden!