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May 14th, 2015

Edgy Moms Manifesto 2015

Edgy Moms 2015 was awesome. Here is the Edgy Moms Manifesto I read at the beginning of the event every year.

In 2006  I created Edgy Mother’s Day. I had sort of a vague sense of what that meant but it’s always been hard to articulate when people ask for, y’know, the quick elevator speech.
So what is an Edgy Mom?
She’s feisty and fun and a little bit zany. She whines to her friends and can be a bit of a martyr. She fantasizes about taking long trips without her children

And getting a room of her own on Block Island with a computer and a view of the sea.

She lets her kids have dessert before dinner,

Reheated pizza for breakfast.

And NEVER remembers to bring Cheeros in a little Tupperware container to the playground

Except when she does and then she feels VICTORIOUS

Her kids have seen her fight with their dad and yell at her mother and curse her sister on the phone.

They’ve watched her cry

She’s been know to throw away her children’s old toys and art supplies when they’re not around

And when they ask, she pretends not to know where they are.

But she can’t let go of their artwork even that sharp pointy wood sculpture her son made in pre-school back in 1993.

She loves when they sleep over at a friend’s house

Because the apartment is so quiet, so serene and so  terribly lonely.

She looks forward to her late afternoon glass of wine

And lets her kids miss school when she feels like sleeping in.

For years she didn’t own a First Aid Kit or keep children’s Motrin in her bag.

Sometimes she takes a bath when she should be making dinner

Or reads Ann Karenina when she’s supposed to be helping with homework.

She watches shows like Gossip Girl and discusses Blair, Serena, Chuck and Dan with her teenage daughter

Even if that’s not appropriates.

She doesn’t always know what is appropriate.
Sometimes she feels like the most boring person on earth.
Like someone’s mother and that’s all.

But who could ask for anything more on a good day?

She tries not to tell “my kids are so amazing” stories. Even if they are.

Or say to new moms: “Enjoy it, they’re gonna grow up fast.”  Even if it’s true.

She hates to sound like an old fart, an elderstates-mom or a know-it-all. Even if she is.

Or say:  “Do you mind if I brag?”

Even though there is SO much to brag about

Do you mind if I brag?

She’s made a lot of mistakes, some she would never ever admit to anyone.

She’s afraid she’s ruined her kids somehow. 
That everything is her fault

If only she’d followed those expert books

Or even read them.

And didn’t let her kids get away with murder.

She hates to watch them puke, or be in pain, or feel sad when they’ve had their feelings hurt.

She wants to kill anyone who hurts her child.

Sometimes she even wants to kill her child.

But just for a teeny tiny fleeting second

On a good day.

She tries to make eye contact when they haave a very long story to tell (even when there’s so much else she needs and wants to do).

And now that they’re in their teens and twenties she practically GROVELS for their attention, for those long stories she used to tire of.

She  loves her kids with a passion that makes her ache, moan, yell and scream, and feel all  gooey inside

Do you mind if I brag?

Oh Patron Saintesses of Edgy Moms: Lucille Ball, Erma Bombeck, Sylvia Plath, Alice Waters, Elastagirl, Lisa Belkin, Smartmom, Eartha Kitt, Morticia Addams, Toni Morrison, Lenore Skenazy, Tina Fey, Shirley MaClaine (in Terms of Endearment), Maya Angelou, Ayalet Waldman, Nina Simone, Cher (in Mask), Cher in real life, Josephine Baker, Susan Sarandon, Liv Ullman, Marge Simpson, Claire Dunphy, Gloria Pritchett and Cameron Tucker in Modern Family and Betty Draper on Madmen and so many more.

Bless this Edgy Mother’s Day and bless tonight’s readers and writers: Sophia Romero, Lisa Gornick, Julia Fierro, Sean Grover, Jennifer Michael Hecht and Stephanie Thompson: writers who embrace motherhood without sanctimony, without sugarcoating.

Edgy moms all: they are gonna rock you and shock you and make you laugh and make you cry and make you  look at motherhood in a whole mother way.

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